Falls to the ground and dies

“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.”

John 12:24

#NoteToSelf

The greatest surprises often come in the least expected times.

This morning was one.

I got ready for church as usual. Nothing was different about the morning until I stepped out of the house and my elderly but friendly uncle neighbour was leaving the house too. It was not normal for him to ask but he asked where I was heading.

A thousand replies ran through my head and I could have justified myself that the most I could do was to give him a ride to the bus stop along the main road. I refused to be quick to rationalise myself so I offered him a ride anyway, without clarifying where both of us were actually going.

The context of this relationship was that this uncle is already a grandfather himself, has a heart condition and despite his failing body, he faithfully steps out weekly to clear the fallen leaves and rubbish along the common road of our homes. Though they were numerous, he would painstakingly and patiently sweep them in, one at a time.

Surely some see it as a waste of time or even an inefficient model yet there was something beautiful to learn from this.

Anyway back to the ride. I was actually heading South towards Aljunied and he was going to AMK. So I sent him anyway. The gist of my learning this learning was to be humble and patient. I was not really in a rush for anything, just a habit of sticking to the routine. I knew I would be later than usual to reach the carpark but I decided today, it is okay.

I dropped him off nearby the market where he was going to. Had a glean into his past and hearing his sharing of his life, then and now. He had a tough and hard life. He had no qualifications. Yet he came through and now, he is a grandfather.

And this young man had much to learn. For one, I learned through him to recognise the road planning in AMK and to path find my way around AMK. I thought I already knew but no. This morning, I learned much and I'm thankful I did.

So here's to slowing down and be patient. Often, we hurry through life when we are suppose to enjoy life itself.

Year of Difference

It seems to be a year of change and I am still looking forward to it. Just a few more months to the end of 2015.

And I have come to accept that change is the only constant. Don't get left behind.

In Season and Out of Season

I took a quick rewind in the decade to be. I realized I'm currently doing (almost) nothing like what I was years ago. Back then I was that noob convert who had, for whatever reason, stumbled into a whole new realm.

Much like a newborn, my decisions were mostly concerning myself, my next step. Which version of the Bible to stick to? What kind of Christian songs were the in-thing? Who around me is an ideal role model?

Fast forward 9 years later, I realized things are vastly different. The choices I have to make can easily affect the entire body. The life I would have to choose to live, may eventually be a (side) cause of how another person decides to live theirs.

Tonight the one message was that with the storm and the boat that the disciples were in, it was their moment to awaken Christ through authenticity. I figure this maybe mine too.

You could had put everyone on a crucifix yet You chose to be the one.

You can love the ugliest sight of me, so why shouldn't I do the same?
 

2015

2014 has come and gone just like that.

It seemed like yesterday but it's already 6 weeks now into 2015.

I know it's going to be great looking ahead. I just know.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Mat 6:33.

When something good happens to a good friend

I know this day would eventually come, I just didn't expect to go by so quickly. Your 10 year old mind definitely did not envisioned this day and your blessing to wed to such a great man of God.

 My biggest congrats and blessing to you Evelyn & ZX! Wishing both of you many happy blessed days ahead!

#whattodo

If you know that the step ahead is heading into a dire situation and there's no turning back, what would you do?

Get over, Get up, Get going.

It has been far too long.
I'm glad things are finally kicking into motion.
It is time to get this over and done with.
I'm ready.

I hope God speaks to you in this

I have heard of material blackmail and emotional blackmail....but spiritual blackmail? Wow this is taking things to a whole new level.

So exactly how long is this nonsense going to last? I'm quite glad it will all come to an end pretty soon. This is not what I signed up for and I suppose "God is sovereign" enough to take the responsibility of what is to unfold.

I will choose the peaceful resolve. I don't see a point in bringing this up anyway.

Time is ticking away and I count my days. It will all come to an end very soon. Very soon.

I NEVER KNEW YOU

Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ Matthew 7:23

Go on

This year seems to be even more uncertain, more than ever before.

I'm not so surprised at how things are right now, however I'm not satisfied just yet.

Maybe things will turn for the better.

Or maybe not.

In any case, I reshuffled my priorities.

New Beginnings

I was expecting 2014 to be a good start to change. Looks like I have to be realistic. The past year's crappiness seemed to have behind me which is something I'm thankful for. Like the common saying, move on.

2013 has definitely taught me to treasure family in the most painful way I have feared. Her sudden passing which I played through my mind even during her days of living. And so in 2014, it is my priority to not repeat that mistake and guard it so fiercely. 

As the days go by, it becomes clearer and paramount to be certain of what I want, to be sure of where I want to head towards. At least till it is a given.

I have been taught over the past years to face each new day with thanksgiving. I still wonder how long since that has stopped and my every morning is greeted with lamentations.

What is good and what I have stood for just seems to have diluted along the way. I sense the days of my holding on coming to an end fairly soon. Least I know when that is going to be roughly. The recent days may have been a little easier to cope with. The almost-weekly routine of doing this and meeting that and serving has kept me from the much hoped-not-for fellowships. Perhaps it is for the better, though not the best.

I would least expect this outcome to arrive. Not in my wildest imaginations.

Year of change. Season of rest.

So my new journey begins. Frankly it feels so surreal and awkwardly strange to be freed of numerous commitments.

The time to time weekday night meetings. The trainings. The planning. The Sat morning practices. The Sat night evaluations. The Sun morning practices. The Sun afternoon meetings. The Sun afternoon practices.

Seriously time has been freed up yet the question begets how I ought to be utilising the hours? Is it going to be another series of trying to do more and accomplish more? Or an opportune period to catch up on lost time with loved ones? Or perhaps to do what I loved doing that I have not had the chance to do so for the longest time?

Do I miss what I have let go of? I would guess so. Took me a while, yet I began to grasp and appreciate the need to do so, and the beauty of it all.

As I stepped aside from leading a cell of vastly different yet highly dynamic youth, I appreciated how these precious ones rose above the occasion many a times and maturing in many ways. I must certainly agree that one's followers or disciples can really grow only to the level that of their leader. SO TRUE. I realised just how limited I have been to impart and give to my members. Excited at the coming season, because I know God can grow them so much more, with or without me.

And coming to my pet ministry, Worship. This was probably one of my toughest struggles. Worship has always been the anchor of my faith since stepping past the door of the church. Music was what led me to knowing who the God of music is.

Worship is more than music, to me. Worship anchored me especially through the darkest times, the toughest days. Nothing spurs me on more than a power-packed playlist of praise and worship tunes.

With 2014, I really really look forward to a year of change. 2013 has in a way been too cruel to me and I know I am not yet done processing through it all. I am glad that I am no longer stuck, and I am no longer holding on. So yes, it is time to move on. Time to walk away. Just a matter of when.

This past 8 months of serving as a servant leader has been most humbling. Appreciating the love and givings of those before me, serving in arms together on different platforms. Without this portfolio, I would never had given these people all the due respect they deserve, for their true living of Following Christ and Sacrificial Giving. This generation that I am in, or just me, is too many steps behind in comparison.

This window of service revealed to me that I am probably the youngest one amongst the different arms of service. On one hand it opens my eyes to appreciate more yet on the other, it scares me because I wonder how things will turn out just 10 years down the road.

It really does not help that this society is heading for the silver age. It undeniably has a direct influence on how things are going to be around the congregation. To top it off, the current band of leadership are easily twice my age.

I am not an advocate for change for the sake of change. Yet if the upper calling is for us to make a united effort for change to do things better, I am for it. At this point, it just burdens me so much that these are nowhere in sight for the near future. Maybe we will think about it when it comes? Maybe...

There have been far too many learnings and benefits all these years. However, one particularly stood out as I reflected on my drive home today. I reflected on defining a true friend. I reflected on the traits and values of a true friend. There weren't too many that I could collect in my memory, yet I am thankful for every one whom I could count.

Note To Self: Be a true friend in speech and in deed.

Jenny & Maowii

You will embark on new things. He is pleased from the point you've said yes before thursday. There is something new birthed this week, though you may not have understood.

You desired to be prophesied over. You want to hear from Him. You will be going on a roller coaster. Don't be afraid. Jesus is seated right behind you but yes, you will be on the front seat.

-----

Amazed. Again and again. Over and over.

Encountered @ the Encounter

It was $80 that I would give $800 for. Once again, what a setup I was in for and You orchestrated the unfolded events. One by one.

Because You never left. I wanted to walk away. And You call me back, slowly but surely. By and in Your grace, I failed to trust in You despite all that I went through with you before. Yet You never count it on my failure to pour on me Your goodness.

What a wretched sinner I was. No longer I am but I was. I have been dumb. Silly. Ignorant. Stubborn. Reluctant. Dejected.

Maybe a part of me still lingers the stench of self-centredness. 

Tonight of all days and nights, You chose to show up today. That milo/barley talk at Kopitiam. That kueh/tehC talk over the glass table. That going for a conference that I saw it pointless given my decision to step down from worship pretty soon enough.

To say that I understood You would be a lie. To say that I understand You now would also be a lie

Seated in that ordinary auditorium, the natural me questioned if any good would come out of the conference. People were trickling in even the start time was running late. Registration was a mess & the entire compound still reeked from the fresh coats of paintwork and brand nee furnishings.

I have been to umpteen conferences & workshops and i grew confident that this would be one of the experiences went through, and sealed in the storage space somewhere in the unconscious back of my mind.

Opening part was mediocre. The emcees were pretty informal & entertaining. But that was pretty much it, I told myself.

And when we came to the segment after a time of exhortation, it was about to change just about everything. The lead worship leader & speaker (Neil) shared on vulnerability. Things just ramped up from there. 

Maybe it was the use of music and play of atmosphere. Maybe it was the motivational words. Yet all these were thrown out of the window from the start by the same speaker.

As I struggled within me on surrendering my fig leaves, I eventually let it go. Following the call to act upon letting go, I jotted down what I wanted to surrender to You.

I think tonight, I finally did. And really did. You amazed me when You decide to answer my prayer request only after the service ended; after people started leaving. And right there, You showed up. You used people I never would imagined to minister to me. You showed me how much a Beloved means to You. 

Maybe decisions made won't be changed. But I know from here on, I have the freedom to choose; to decide. I had to be broken in order to be built up. The enlargement of my soul is more than a one liner read in a book picked up.

The journey ahead is full of bumps. I am lying if I said I'm confident of handling what is to come; what lies ahead. Times that I feel I'm all alone up against Goliath, help me forget not that You are right HERE beside me. 

Grace, grace. More of Your grace to carry me through to complete what You have set me upon.

The Divine Set Up. You the Director, the Producer, the Lead Actor. Take it from here, I'm ready.

Not Like This

After what happened tonight, it just makes everything so much more obvious. I can't go on this way much longer. It cuts deep within me, right through and through, and I feel an unspoken unexpectation to hold it together within. 

Processing Redefined

I can't conclude today's meeting to be a positive one or not. To begin with, what's the point of agreeing with my decision and thereafter setting a condition to it? Frankly I have voiced out my desire for good reasons. Suppose if people are still going to impose their expectations on me, I'll make my stand. I have voiced out my tiredness since months now, and I am completely ready to move into a new season.

To be fair, I did have some takeaways today. Some valid ones that I learned to keep while others I totally don't agree. A particular sharing point today did ticked me off within. I felt it was really unfair towards me, and I was never given a chance to justify myself.

Anyway, I choose to move on. Things have changed, and I guess so should I.

The past few days have been a series of decisions that I have made and would want to commit to. I got to learn to understand someone else, or so I was told. Then who's to understand me?

I'm unable to give further. One who does not receive, has nothing to give. Maybe all the issues just lie with me.

At the rate how things are going, I'm quite sure my prediction is going to realize.

Burning...

Perhaps of what is to come.

Maybe the best thing to do

For some reason, the drifting gets more evident as time goes by.

Giving up is really horrible.

And I fear that time is drawing near.

Summed Up

And this morning just marks the coming of an end to my stay on Canaan.

It has been a humbling journey. One which I set off with certain expectations and now I am about to return home with a different set of goals or outcomes. It is a wonder how each duration back at this incredible place of miracles never fails to send my mind into a mode of anticipating the End Times.

Once again, I came with a pretty much personal agenda. And once again, I would leave with a personal agenda except this time, it wasn't mine.

And perhaps the path ahead isn't one traffic junction where I have to determine immediately if it is going to be a turn or straight ahead. It seemed more apt to compare to a boat set sail on a journey towards its destination. One where a boat that always looks to its compass will eventually reach its end goal whereas the other that assumes the direction it sets out upon will always be right, ends up nowhere.

As I once again raise my anchor and sails forth in faith, I remind myself that time to time, it is essential to lower my anchor and find my bearing. And surely if I have gone off course, it would be imperative to change my direction to be back on course than to stubbornly refuse change.

So Lord, may my prayer rise up to the Heavens.
To your ears, I gently whisper my desires.
Be the anchor of my soul,
As I give You full control.

Be that Lamp unto my feet and that Light unto my path.
May my heart burn for You with passion and if the need for it, my body too.

So that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way:
- bearing fruit in every good work
- growing in the knowledge of God
- being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience
- and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.